I want to write, but I'm not yet ready to concern myself with the mechanics of writing or the craft. That's not how my writing started, anyway.
It started with a heart brimming with words, needing to spill onto the page. Revelations from God. His love, healing, and restoration. The struggle to live as God's beloved when all I saw were my flaws, failures, and fears.
Robert, your life and love were necessary for me to become a writer. You helped open places in my heart that had long been closed off, allowing Jesus to enter. Dreams awakened or were birthed. Walls erected by fear were broken down, and the rubble cleared away, leaving space to breathe, dance, and discover.
For six months, it felt like all of that died with you. It felt like the woman who came alive in your loving, strong arms could no longer exist. I found myself looking at past pictures of us - of myself - and not recognizing the illuminated life looking back.
She - the woman with you by her side - seemed lost forever. Without you in the world, I couldn't see a way back to who I once was. Who I had become.
Dreams seemed lost. Passions, desires, excitement . . . gone.
Then something happened this week. Something shifted, and it started with frustration.
Frustration over lack of time to do the things I want to do. Like writing, drawing, painting, traveling to see family, time with friends, walking Zugspitze, quiet time at home.
Amid that frustration, God spoke to me.
"You're frustrated because you're feeling alive again.
I'm arousing your desires and dreams.
You're recognizing yourself as my beloved again.
You want to live."
Not once have I thought about taking my life, but there have been plenty of days when I've wanted to waste away, nights when I wanted to go to sleep and wake up to you and Jesus. I've gone through days not feeling like I have a purpose on this earth, not understanding why I'm still here.
And without you, I've spent six months lacking the motivation to do the things I enjoy. The things that bring me life.
I've prayed, "Word of Life, resurrect me. Breath of Life, resurrect me."
He is answering my prayer.
I want to live. I can live because Jesus lives in me.
Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. (Psalm 63:3, NIV 1984)