Steps rather than plans

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9

My yearly planners tell a story. It’s my life laid out in chronological order for any given year. What did I prioritize? What did I have to do, and what did I choose to do?

Last month, I pulled out my planners for 2022 and 2023. Those two years were unique because I purchased blank journals to create my own planners. I had nothing but dotted pages to guide my layouts of each month’s calendar, weekly spreads, and all the themed doodles and embellishments.

I was quite ambitious with my plans, goals, and priorities for 2022. Robert and I wanted more intentional time together, so we did a 30-day fast from television in February. I also kept track of our dates, making sure we did something each month outside the house (even if it was only a trip to Wal-Mart and lunch at the McDonald's drive-thru).

Other personal goals included reading at least one new book every month and earning three new Peloton badges for a 45-day streak, 60-day streak, and 800 rides. My biggest focus and endeavor, though, was Scripture memorization. I mapped out a plan to memorize a new verse about hope every week.

That year, I planned a lot for writing, too. Here’s what I documented for my “writing wins” in March 2022:

• 3/1/22 Started book two. Made the decision to self-publish Unbridled Trust and started a publishing task list and price list.

• 3/9/22 Met with Jill and got two dates for copy editing

• 3/10/22 Prayed and received peace about a launch date spring 2023!!! Maddie made changes to my website that are gorgeous – and so ME!

• 3/29/22 Spent the entire day plotting more. I feel more prepared to spend 30 days in April writing the second story.

I was all set to wrap up Unbridled Trust in 2022 and finish the first draft of my second book. On the goals page of my planner, I created a chart for “30 Days of Writing” and began on April 1, 2022. This chart is so telling, and it’s really difficult for me to look at. It shows how life as we knew it came to a devastating halt.

Thursday, April 14, was the last day I saw Robert as they loaded him in the back of an ambulance to transport him to a larger hospital. Friday, April 15, was the last day I spoke to him on the phone from his room in the ICU. Saturday, April 16, was the last day Robert spent on earth, leaving the temporary and entering eternity with Jesus.

I define every day before and since as life “with Robert” and life “without Robert.”

Who I was “before” and who I was “after.” I’m still me, but I’m no longer who I was with Robert. And I’m still trying to figure out who I am without him. Not that it’s my job to figure that out. Mostly, I’ve spent four-and-a-half years praying and asking God what I’m supposed to do now. What is my life supposed to look and feel like without my husband, partner, lover, and best friend?

Many days, I feel aimless and tossed to and fro. Confident, then doubting. Energetic, then lethargic. Ready to write again. Then not.

Most of you know the only reason I became an author was because my husband saw it in me and encouraged me to pursue it with everything I had. I spent half of our lives together learning the writing craft and putting it into practice. Robert brainstormed with me, did research with me, developed characters with me, and was always the first to read my work. The only thing Robert didn’t do was critique me, and that’s only because he never saw me as needing improvement!

When I try to write a second book in this life “after,” I’m immediately transported back to my life “before.” Every memory of Robert returns, and my hands go still on the keyboard. I tried relocating and even replacing my writing desk. Neither got me unstuck.

So today, I’m writing to you, my friends, at my kitchen table. Even though I have grieved so much, I’m realizing there’s still more grieving to do. I equate Robert with writing. The thought of writing without him makes me sad. And maybe mad. I think I’ve wanted this part of me to die with him. That seems easier.

Too bad God never calls us to “easy.”

I can write without Robert if I choose. It is a decision I will have to make. However, I can’t write without God. He’s the One who guides and inspires. He’s given me the characters, and I think He wants me to write their stories.

With so many starts and stops, I don’t know if sharing this will change anything. And I’m still not sure if I want it to.

However, I am open to the possibility that this is a step established by the Lord.